FTM

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As I write this, we are at the beginning of holy week: A time when we are preparing for both suffering and rejoicing. It’s hard to imagine how Jesus must have felt that last week. Things that were set in motion would be seen to their conclusion. We can sense his exigency when we read the book of John and see that he’s trying to impart as much as he can to the disciples despite the fact that they won’t understand most of it until after the events of Friday and Sunday. A last meal, a last prayer, a last embrace. This year, I feel that urgency in a new way.

A LOT has happened in the past year+ since I wrote that singleness post. I'm now married and pregnant, the speed of life sometimes has my head spinning. 

Pregnancy is weird, eh? Please indulge this First-Time-Mom in thoughts on a female experience that I’m treating as unique when I know it’s much closer to universal. I’m thankful God gives us 9-10 months of time to get used to the idea, because, I for one, have needed every single day. It’s this period of waiting, excitement, fear, discomfort, wonder and so much more.

Somewhere along the way, something very personal becomes very public, as people start to touch your belly, offer advice, and ask question after question after question.

Somewhere along the way, you start to realize how little control you really have over your life, body, and how you are perceived by others. To become a mom is to let go of control of so much. We can monitor every health factor, gram of protein and prenatal vitamin. We can plan appointments and even schedule c-sections if we so wish. But there’s still so. little. we. know. What’s really happening, and will it all be ok?

You see, there are some complications. And, while my due date is still well over a month away, I’ve been made aware that this could happen any day. When we go see the specialist tomorrow, he might not let me go home. I’m supposed to be working until the end of the month. I’m supposed to have most of May to prepare or nest or whatever I should be doing. And so I feel stuck in a weird limbo. I can talk about birthday plans (my birthday is 11 days away – will I be a mother before then?), the class I’m supposed to teach next week, and price comparing/stocking up on diapers, while at the same time wondering if I’ll be spending next week in the NICU instead. It’s beyond my ability to imagine, and yet all I can do is trust the professionals…and trust God. This is the beginning of a lesson that I will be learning for the rest of my life, and it’s not an easy one. And for this week, I’m simply clinging to the miracle of rebirth that Easter represents.

The words of the old hymn, Great is Thy Faithfulness have become my anthem in this season: Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow... and isn't that holy week in a phrase?